great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
