He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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