I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
