i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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