This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
