I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
