so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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