I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
