I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
