I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
