note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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