Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize