Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
