My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
