Already got asked if we're dating
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
