either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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