My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
