we'll go far in life on tits alone.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
