Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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