Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
