6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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