So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
please come you make the beer taste better
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
