I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
