"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
