It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
