all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
