So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
