I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
