he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Randomize
