He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
