Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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