My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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