I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
