No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
