The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
