this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
