I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
