You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
