i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
