you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Dear god my vagina.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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