He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
