just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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