I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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