i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
