You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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