I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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