the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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