What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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