Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize