I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
