I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
