omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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