I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
