I'm eating all of the evidence.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
