so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
sex in a hospital.. check
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
