im six kinds of drunk right now
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
