Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
