fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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