she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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