Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
