The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
