She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize