So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize