This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
