i used baking grease as lip gloss
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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